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Feelin blue

3:04 pm Thu, 25th November 2004

Look at me
You may think you see who I really am
But you’ll never know me
Every day
It’s as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show who I am inside?

Pretty song – “Reflections” from Mulan. Been rediscovering my girly girl music lately – the beautiful ballads from my fave Disney movies.. I used to belt them out at the top of my lungs when I was younger, in the (relative) privacy of my room at home. Also been listening to songs from the musical Jekyll & Hyde. All the sad girly songs like “Someone like you”, “A New Life”, “In His Eyes” and a current particular favourite “No one knows who I am”. *sigh*

I can’t believe its almost the end of the year. Just 1 month to go. How time flies. With the end of 2004 looming ever closer, the reality of changing churches next year is hitting me. And, well, I dunno if I’m gonna be able to do it.. actually tear myself away from something I’ve held as a home (of sorts) for about 10 years. Meh. Guess it’s just the doubts speaking.

In this time of phasing out, as more people are aware of my intentions to leave.. I can’t help but notice the friendships wane, and I feel myself drifting apart more and more from people. Though it’s not entirely as a result of this phasing out, because it is something that has been happening for a while.. slowly but surely.. over this year. And part of it is my own doing.. my own pulling away. Still, I guess, I feel kinda lonely. And when I think about it… it is a lonely place to be. In between. On the way out of one place, but not yet started in the other.

Also lately, I’ve been thinking of who I’d consider my close friends to be.. and I’ve been hard pressed to come up with anyone (other than my bf). Esp females. Perhaps this is my fault.

I think certain other things also exacerbate this feeling of sadness/loneliness. Yes, thats deliberately cryptic. I’m too embarrassed to admit what this is referring to.

And during all this, perhaps even pushed by this, I’ve been trying to become more independant, keeping myself busy doing the things I love, telling myself I don’t need friends with me all the time. And I am enjoying more and more the ability to spend time alone, at home just bumming and relaxing, doing things around the house. But yeh, it does leave me feeling a bit sad sometimes. Esp when I.. learn of.. other things.

Meh. Too much rambling. Why am I feeling so emotional. Perhaps certain monthly cycles are looming close. How dependable. Who needs a calendar? 😛

Current listening :: “Overprotected” – Britney Spears

Posted in Uncategorized (Old Blog) | 3 Comments »

  1. 3 Comments on “Feelin blue”

  2. bigbadvoodoomama
    Nov 26, 2004

    hey kazz,
    I haven’t been around here in a while,but I had to leave a message because I totally know what you’re saying.I tried to tell a friend-not a close one or even one that comes close to a dictionary definition of what a friend is-how lonely I felt sometimes,or how I used to look around my old group of so-called friends and wonder would they miss me if I wasn’t here?The answer,and I know this from the bottom of my heart is an overwhelming NO.She gave me a completely vacant look.So,I’m in my second year of Uni now,and I’ve left them all behind,give or take a few but I keep waiting for my life to begin,waiting for the special few that are glamourised on shows like ‘friends’ and ‘sex and the city’ and further more I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life…oops,I’m gonna stop now,I think it’s time to go back on my meds…but I just wanted to say that you’re not alone in your feelings,I’m sure we all feel alienated at some point-others of us are just better at dealing with it than others.

  3. leo
    Nov 29, 2004

    if u take life too seriously, u might not get out alive – van wilder 🙂

    hey at least u’re eating a bread roll… missed ya at the dappled cities fly gig at the rocks markets on fri…it was really good!

  4. Kazzart
    Dec 13, 2004

    Hey bigbadvoodoomama. Thanks for your comments and your understanding. 🙂 Its nice to know there are other ppl out there who can empathize (not that I would wish this on anyone!) Anyway, I hope things do get better for you. Ever thought about going to church? Not trying to preach to you, but that could be an option.. to look for something deeper and more meaningful in life.. could help..

    But yeh, its not like my own life is all together.. but I guess life in this world will be like that at times. I think perhaps I shouldn’t look inwards so much…. get some perspective of more eternal things..

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