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Le sigh

11:03 pm Tue, 16th September 2008

The above title pretty much sums up how I feel right now. I don’t know what has come over me over the past day or two. For some reason I’ve just been feeling this melancholic blueness wash over me. I don’t know where it’s coming from, or why.. but I just feel kinda.. sad. I mean yesterday evening I was bawling my eyes out. Is it PMS on its way? Surely not.. it’s too soon.

Le sigh.

Maybe it’s the weather. It has taken a definite turn towards winter. The days are noticably shorter and quite on the chilly side. Maybe it’s SAD. Seasonal Affective Disorder. On that note.. I do feel like a hot mug of Chamomile tea about now..

*2 minutes later*

So.. I’ve been thinking about my past.. and that’s kinda gotten me down too. Past relationships.. and inevitably, relationship failures.. particularly the most recent one. I guess I was just remembering a few things, the good things, and that made me sad. I guess I’ve spent so much time dwelling on the bad things.. the reasons why it didn’t work, that suddenly remembering those good moments felt.. unexpectedly sad.

Not only that though.. I feel like I’m constantly trying so hard to keep it all together.. to be successful at everything I do, or even just to be able to juggle everything on my plate (and boy is there a lot).. that sometimes, I just end up feeling drained (as I’ve mentioned before in past blog entries). Maybe I expect too much from life.. and from myself..?

I still feel lonely too. Even though I have a new bf (and things are going very well with that.. he is wonderful). I guess, the friendship/social part of my life is still a little.. lacking. It’s progressed a bit – at least I have one solid girl friend now, with whom I am on close enough terms that I can call her just for a chat or call her up just to hang out (simple things like that really do make a difference – though I need to make sure I’m not so busy all the time with my overflowing plate that I don’t end up having time to meet her – yeh, constant struggle that one). Anyway.. there is that feeling of.. aloneness. Adriftedness? Disconnectedness? I feel kinda displaced.. particularly when I see/hear about friends back home moving on in life.. getting married, having kids etc etc. I told a friend recently that I felt like me and my friends back home were on two different travelators.. moving on in life, at the same age, yet our lives are so different.

Le sigh.

I dunno.. I was hoping blogging about this would help clear my head a bit. It kinda has.. but at the same time, I feel a bit confused about what I’m actually sad about now.. probably a complicated mixture of things as always.

Anyway.. tis my bedtime now. Gnite all.

Posted in Introspection, Life | 3 Comments »

  1. 3 Comments on “Le sigh”

  2. andy
    Sep 17, 2008

    hey Kazzart,
    possibly your most revealing ever post. and one that i reckon would never have made it past edit as a video blog. as a friend of mine once said to me, sometimes you have to forgive yourself for what you have not done and be proud of what you have achieved.

    check out Turn of the Century by Yes – Rick’s church organ moment is uplifting beyond words. oh, and as the Mighty Boosh advise – put on a poncho, it is impossible to be unhappy in a poncho! 😉

  3. Harold
    Sep 20, 2008

    I just discovered your videos today while searching for Roland keyboards. You’re an amazing dancer, lol my jaw dropped when I saw the juice and hiphop video.

    Anyway, I’m only 23 but I know what that’s like. I remember when I graduated college and didn’t have any real job. I just doing all kinds of things to get by and I’d hear about “so and so” going to graduate school, or getting some other education. I saw people even if i didn’t know them that well moving forward and with goals. I don’t like to compare myself to others, but it sucked.

    Now things are better, and I have a career where I can really go places. You just gotta keep your head up and keep moving forward. You’re a very talented young woman with a good job, and people who care about you and whom you care about.

    I’m not getting married (ever, lol) and I don’t know much, if anything, about relationships. However, I hear it’s harder for people to get married and stuff when they have options and a life of their own.

    Stay strong,


  4. millicent
    Oct 8, 2008


    you’ve got heaps going for you! maybe you need to schedule some time to stop and smell the roses – or inhale an ice cream or a hot choccie 🙂

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