I find it mildly annoying when people ask me how I am, and I reply with an “I’m alright“, to which they reply somewhat disbelievingly “Just alright?” or even more sensitively “come on go harder“. What the?
Yes. I am “just” alright. Not great, not fantastic, not even good. I can’t honestly say that my life here is great. Coz its not. I’m not “livin it up” and “partying in london” as lots of expats from Australia seem to. I don’t know why my experience seems so different. Why I’m not “loving london” like all the other Aussies seem to. Ok, maybe I’m not all that different and I just don’t know about the people that are struggling too. But maybe I am different. Maybe its because I have different expectations in life. I don’t find my happiness in going out and getting drunk and partying at bars and pubs. In fact I find that totally boring and pointless. Clubs I don’t mind because dancing is involved, but I *still* haven’t gone clubbing here.. prob because I can’t afford it. Which brings me to this.. perhaps its due to financial restrictions. I don’t have much money these days (due to factors that I won’t go into), and that makes life quite hard – esp here in London. London is great fun… if you’ve got money. It’s a struggle to meet all the bills and rent and groceries and transport costs etc. I suppose if I had lots of money, my life quality might be different. But then, isn’t that being materialistic? I guess.. but I think that sort of judgement is easier to make when you do have enough money.. say when you still live off your parents, or even have moved out but are happily married with 2 decent incomes. But when things start to get harder.. it becomes.. not such an easy thing. Of course in the grand scheme of things, yes yes, I’m still quite lucky and all. It’s not all that bad and there are lots of people much worse off than me. But still, I find myself kinda envying those who can afford to do things like go on holidays to Italy or elsewhere.. things that were part of my reason for coming here. (I guess I can kiss going skiing in europe goodbye ) Or even other things like being able to buy enough basic furniture for the flat so they don’t have to live out of boxes. Or afford to live closer to central london. Ok I know its bad to compare myself to other people (along with danger of coveting). But the way I’m thinking about it is that I could have done better for myself. Given my background, my education, training and opportunities (which have all been very good and a blessing).. there is no logical reason I shouldn’t be in a better situation. I guess I feel like its kinda a failure on my part. (I mean its not even because I’m deliberately putting myself here due to noble and selfless acts of great giving/sacrifice.) Am I being too hard on myself? I dunno. I know I shouldn’t really complain.. but to explain.. I guess I’ve never been in this sorta situation before.. and I’m finding it a bit hard to accept. It’s easy to say “yeh I don’t care about money” when you have enough and it doesn’t really affect your life much.
Anyway. I feel a bit sad too. About people. Friends (or lack thereof). Losing touch. That sorta thing. Maybe my expectations are unrealistic. Or maybe I’m not trying hard enough. I wonder where my life will lead. I wonder if I’m doomed for an unhappy life. Like so many out there.
Ok enough about money and all things dismal. To put things into perspective for myself, its not that bad. I can still “afford” just a few small “luxuries”, like gym and dance class and broadband internet (though realistically.. my budget and bank account would probably look healthier without those things). But have to give up other things.. like piano classes :(, a bookshelf, new clothes anytime soon, a holiday anytime soon, and at this point, even a flight back to Sydney anytime soon.. heheh. *sigh* Oh wells. Here’s hoping things get better in the future.
Hmm. Strangely enough, I feel a bit better now. Go cathartic blogging. I do have a lot to be thankful for.. I have been able to experience lots of cool and different things over here and have managed to do some travel (last year). Gotta try and stay positive.. see the bigger picture.. get the perspective. I guess I’m alright. Just alright.Posted in Introspection, Life, Rant & Bitch | 4 Comments »