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Love, hate and itchy feet

12:30 pm Thu, 13th August 2009

Yet another month and two WordPress upgrades have passed between blog updates. Oops. Well to be fair I’ve been absolutely flat out with work for the past couple weeks. Late nights at work have become common place, and I’ve not even blinked an eye at the possibility of working on the weekend (luckily for me it didn’t come to that.. only went as far as receiving a phone call waking me up 11:30am last Saturday by the few unfortunate ones who did have to go into work, needing some web dev advice to fix some random issue).

Anyway I’ve contemplated blogging a few times over the past week or so. Been having random thoughts about dance, life in London, and people, going through my mind lately. Maybe I’ll get it all out in this blog post. First.. we come yet again to the topic of life in London. I was contemplating recently that I seem to have a bit of a love/hate relationship with London. Though I know I mostly come across as hating London in all sorts of ways, there are many things I also love about London. And I seem to yo-yo between the two fairly often. Not sure if it will ever resolve into a peaceful acceptance of life as a Londoner. And maybe thats what I want.. a more peaceful life. Which brings me to itchy feet. I’m starting to feel a bit restless here… starting to feel there isn’t much reason for me to remain in London. For example, there are very few people here that make me feel like there is a reason to stay. My boyf obviously.. and one girl friend. Other than that.. I consider everyone else an acquaintance.. people who would say their goodbyes and then forget about you within a week.. maybe two. I don’t even think many would miss me at all here. Is that a bit sad?

I’m also starting think I’m becoming a bit of a workaholic. Sometimes I actually feel happier being at work because it means I’m too busy to think about other things… like my lack of social life.. and lack of true friends. Maybe it’s even a sub-concious reason as to why I keep myself so busy with so many activities, as well as loving them of course. Speaking of which.. I might just list out all the extra-curricular activities I’m currently cramming on my plate:

  • lambada dance classes/club
  • salsa dance classes/club
  • samba dance class
  • learning italian (evening course tues nights and self-study)
  • playing piano & The Sheridan Trio (admittedly we haven’t rehearsed as a trio since last year)
  • yoga & going to the gym/swim

Also a few things I wish I could still do/am contemplating doing:

  • hiphop dance class
  • jazz dance class
  • another music course at Goldsmiths/attempt to finish my Certificate in Music Studies
  • try to find more gig opportunities/other bands (jazz or latin) to play with
  • write music and/or work on existing songs and record a sample demo
  • get back into vlogging and making videos for YT regularly again
  • change vocation.. ok only half serious about this but sometimes the thought does occur to me either because I’m sick of the back issues.. or I feel like I’m more suited to different work

So errr… yeh that’s quite a lot. And having jotted it all down.. I’ve noticed almost everything is artistic in one way or another… dance.. music.. video creation. My problem is I just don’t have the creative talent to actually be able to succesfully create things of worth (ie good enough to make a living.. and I’m sure if I tried I would probably lose the love for it). I’ve tried writing music before and I just don’t have it. I’ve tried designing, and well, I can’t. I’m not good enough at dance or playing piano to make a profession of it.. and anyway I really don’t think I could live on a “struggling artists” income – I’ve had enough experience of the reality of that path already. They’re all just hobbies. I don’t particularly want to make a job out of them. Anyway most dance teachers I know don’t do it full time – they all have “day jobs” too.

Hm I’m starting to lose track of where I’m going with this rant.

What is this about anyway… Friends? London? Vocation? Life? Everything I guess. I’m sometimes half inclined to just pick up and leave.. find somewhere new and exciting to go. To start afresh again. To have the opportunity of really making friends. To be someone new. Or to become again that positive & energetic girl I once was.

Posted in Introspection, Life | 5 Comments »

  1. 5 Comments on “Love, hate and itchy feet”

  2. KennyCrane
    Nov 18, 2009

    Hi there!
    Interesting blog post / rant. I have a lot of those same thoughts on occasion!
    Thanks for having a link to TubeRavers.org here. I bought the site earlier this year when Sean wanted to be done with it. We still get a core group of 5 – 10 people dropping by and posting every week. Sure would love to see you visit TubeRavers! Make some new internet friends and rediscover some old ones maybe.
    All the best to you!
    “Kenny”

  3. private not for publication
    Dec 8, 2009

    Hey Kazzart,
    did you get a chance to check out my request via youtube? my weife taught me to ask for favours with a good heart so please don’t worry if the answer is no. that is your right. have a lovely tuesday and do yourself a favour and buy a box of douwe egberts coffee filters.
    yours,
    A

  4. Vivian
    Jan 21, 2010

    Hey Kaz,

    It’s been a while! I heard you were in Sydney a few months ago, did you enjoy that? (I think that would have been after this post)

    I know what you mean by loving the creative things but not being good enough to make a living out of it! (and probably losing the joy in it if you were) I guess it’s a balance between working/earning just enough to have the time/money to do the things you enjoy…

    -Viv

  5. Robin
    Apr 6, 2010

    Hi Kaz,

    So I was on YouTube and searched ‘My London’ through which brought me to your video about living in London, and from which I read you Bio page on YT and found this Blog.

    Then I read the post above. Funny how things in life seem to come together because all the points leading up to finding this psot, on this Blog could be considered random events.

    But I find it warming to know, that while it may not be the case now – [6th April2010] on the 13th August 2009 you were in a place (take away the boyfriend) where I am finding myself now.

    I felt alone, thinking I am this rather pathetic indivdual on lifes hard shoulder, while everyone else with purpose and fun lives pass by all happy and content.

    But from your honesty and writing here, about how you were feeling then…Made me see no one is truly alone, and everyone has their thoughts for change, fears and wishing their lives were perhaps that little buit different or more full past the usual work.

    You made me smile, you made me think and for that I thank you because had I not found this tonight, I would still be down and low thinking I was the only person out there who felt like that.

    Thank you.

    Robin

  6. Kazzart
    Jun 14, 2010

    Hi Robin. Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment.

    You know, to me it’s ppl like yourself that make my blogging and sharing feel worthwhile. The fact that someone out there in the world can identify with and in some way feel encouraged by what I write and share of my life here is… both an inspiration and reward for me. This makes me smile.

    Not sure if you will see this, but I truly hope life has improved for you since you left your comment. And thank *you* for sharing. :)

    Kazzart

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